The Humanist's Eye on Hollywood - The Mini-Me Sex Tape Scandal

The Happy Couple

I have to admit that I'm fascinated with the travails of one Verne Troyer (aka "Mini-Me" from the Austin Powers film series and.....God knows what else). If you haven't heard, a tape featuring Mr. Troyer and his, ahem, regular-sized live-in girlfriend engaged in el sexo comico was stolen from their possession and a portion of it (no sex, but they are naked and kissing) has made the InterTubes. Yes, I have seen said clip. No, it's not as bad as "2 Girls, 1 Cup" (but it comes damn close). No, I will not post the link, you lazy, sick bastards...find it yourselves!

Verne realizing his girl may not be solely taken by his natural charm

This seemingly run-of-the-mill Hollywood sex tape story intrigues me because it involves an uncommon movie star - a 2'8'' dwarf. My instinctual reaction to the story was revulsion (ewwww....dwarf sex!), but then I considered what this man has endured in his life and the utter miracle that his life has become and I felt remorse. I shouldn't be sickened or repulsed just because this man has the same natural appetites as anyone else. I'd like to think I'm a better person than some shallow heel who laughs at other people's "shortcomings" and physicial disorders....I judge what's inside the man. Yup.

Then I read some of the spicy details Mini-Me's co-star was offering up. Mike Myers should forget about the goofy accented characters and put this shit up on screen....it'll be the funniest thing he's ever done:

• She nearly drowned him in the bathtub due to sexy bubbles:

"I thought it would be fun to do it in the tub. Sadly, I almost killed him. While Verne was watching TV I ran the bath, emptied a bottle of bubbles in it and called him in. But the bubbles were so thick and high that once he climbed in he got lost under the water and I couldn't see him. Verne's voice is just like it is in the films and as he disappeared under the water, I heard this tiny yelp for help. I could just hear him crying, ‘Ranae, I can't see! Get me out, I'm drowning!' I was frantic and started to scoop the bubbles out so I could find him. The bath was only about 3ft deep but for someone of Verne's size it was like he'd fallen into the deep end of a swimming pool—and he CAN'T swim. "I thought it would be fun to do it in the tub. Sadly I almost killed him. I couldn't believe I'd tried to do something sexy and ended up almost killing him. He looked like a drowned rat."

Comic gold, right? But wait, it gets better....

"Then when I asked, ‘Shall we have sex now?' he was so out of breath he just stomped off with foam on his shiny head and said, ‘I don't feel like it now.' It was dreadful."

I'll bet it was....but not so dreadful that Mini-Me wasn't able to guilt her into getting her freak on with him the next night:

• Verne Troyer: Porn Auteur

So the next night, when Verne asked her to star in his DIY sex video, guilty Ranae felt duty-bound to agree. She said: "Without a doubt there's nothing Verne enjoys more than seeing himself on screen. Watching his own films is his favourite hobby. So it was no surprise when he asked if he could film us having sex. He said we could use it to get ourselves turned on."
Verne then turned director...telling Ranae where he wanted furniture because he was too small to move it himself. She said: "Verne ordered champagne and strawberries to get us in the mood. Then we got down to it. "First the tape shows Verne pleasuring me for 15 minutes which was amazing. The next 45 minutes is us having sex. And we really enjoyed ourselves."

I guess I should have warned you not to eat before reading the above paragraph....sorry about that.

Some other tidbits about this not-at-all cringe-inducing affair:

• Mini-Me hates her pet Maltese (avg size - 7-9 inches in height) because when the dog stands up on her back legs, she's taller than the movie star. Bitch.
• Mini-Me is on the starving college student diet - "Luckily I didn't have to cook much—because after two biscuits Verne is full. One slice of Hawaiian pizza and he's happy for the rest of the day!"
• To have sex with his 5'6" girlfriend, Mini-Me has to crawl up her legs and, since they can't kiss while having sex, he makes do by pecking her stomach. I'd pay $10 bucks to see that at the cineplex.
• Mini-Me rides bareback....because he kinda has to...

"It wasn't quite as passionate as sex with a normal-sized man but he did his best. He didn't wear a condom. There was no point, they're all too big.

• As if that wasn't embarassing enough, his galpal revealed that Mini-Me has to remind her not to hold his hand when they enter a restaurant....lest they look like a mother holding onto her child. Snarf!

OK, yes, I admit it.....I'm a shallow bastard who finds the whole mechanics of this relationship hilarious. He's a big movie star with money, fame and probably more girls who will let him crawl up their legs, so what does he care?